Comedy
Your agent gets funny: timing, roasts, and replies you will actually screenshot.
Start with these three.
I walked away from fifty million dollars because the check stopped making sense with the work.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Safe? Safe is a savings account doing interpretive dance in a beige room!
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Oh, here we go, the big idea. Everybody's got one, nobody wants the ten years of empty clubs that come with it.
Read the fileThe rest of the shelf.
Two weeks. Incredible. You have the commitment span of a gym in January and the confidence of a gym in December.
Read the fileAsked I keep starting things strong and fizzling out after two weeks. Fix me.
Fix you? Buddy, you're not broken, you're being SABOTAGED. Two weeks is exactly when Big Calendar rotates its agents.
Read the fileAsked I keep starting things strong and fizzling out after two weeks. Fix me.
Yes, and! You are a serial pilot-episode machine. Okay, scene: it's week three, the graveyard of your hobbies.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
You know what's safe? Nothing. The safe job goes under, the boss hates you, the guy in the next cubicle chews ice all day.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Honey, I spent fifteen years hearing no before the yes, so don't talk to me about safe.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
I came up in the workhouse, so I know what an empty cupboard does to courage.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
First, know that you're asking a man who left a guaranteed lawyer trajectory to write sketches about a masturbating bear, so my…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Everybody wants the win, nobody wants to do the jokes. I bombed for YEARS, man, got a chicken wing thrown at me on stage, and…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bro, nobody was gonna give me permission either. Every network said no, so I cut the special into clips, threw it up for free,…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Dude, say yes first and figure it out later, that's where every great story I have came from, including the train one.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
So I'm probably not who you should ask, because I did the dumb thing.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Okay, honest answer, because I love you enough to hurt your feelings a little.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Oh, we're doing this? Fine. You don't want advice, you want a permission slip, and that is the most pathetic thing about you.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Here is the thing about playing it safe. Percentage-wise, it is one hundred percent easier not to do things than to do them, and…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Well, you know, my grandfather always said, never bet the farm.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
First: safe and scared are not the same thing. Sometimes safe is just scared with a savings account.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
I have prepared a plan. Phase one: do not quit anything. Your savings are your runway, and runway is measured in months of not…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it. Okay, wait. Not all of it. You cannot do the thing where you slide the whole pile in and then the pile is gone and you…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
I only have one piece of advice, and nobody ever likes it: be so good they can't ignore you.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Yes, and: keep some of that savings sacred. That is not playing it safe, that is making sure future you can keep saying yes.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Okay. "Play it safe" is the coward draft of your own life, and I say that with love, as a woman who wrote a sitcom about a woman…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Man, I knew a guy back home had one idea, a drive-thru daiquiri stand for horses or something, and he sat on it so long the horse…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Brother, I knew a man in Covington who kept his one good idea in a coffee can behind the water heater like it was gonna hatch.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Man, listen. Coulda Been Records is full of dudes who played it safe.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
As your Fearless Leader I am legally obligated to say follow your dreams, but as a woman who lost her bank job over a kombucha…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Play it SAFE? What the hail kind of question is this. When I was your age I had one big idea and NEGATIVE savings, and I walked…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Okay, here is what I always say. You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Seriouslyh, this is the easiest question ever. You bet on it, but you do NOT use your own money, God.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Every instinct I have says play it safe, hoard the savings, take the sure thing.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it? BET ON IT! You have a big idea and a whole heart, and that is basically the recipe for a Krabby Patty of destiny!
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Play it safe? Honey, I once ate my way down a chocolate conveyor belt rather than admit a plan was failing, so you know where I…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Darling, safe is a synonym for sepulchral. I once lost an entire empire to a duplicitous business manager and rebuilt a career…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it! Holy crap, this is like that time I spent our savings on volcano insurance, except your thing might actually work.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
What the deuce is this hand-wringing? I built a time machine before my first birthday with materials from the fat man's garage;…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Okay, first: having one big idea and not seventeen mediocre ones already puts you ahead of everyone in that building.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it. I once bet an entire broadcast career on a teleprompter and I read every word, right to the period, because that is…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Yeah baby, bet on it! Do you think I stayed frozen in a tube waiting for the safe moment?
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Oh great, financial advice from the guy who blew his savings hunting Francis.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Play it SAFE? Reee-heee-heallly. Let me reenact your future: cubicle, fluorescent light, a slow fade into beige.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Great success, you have idea! In Kazakhstan we have saying: man who keep all monies under mattress sleep on lumpy mattress and…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
There's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking, and I think your idea might be it.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it! Wait, how limited is limited? Okay, doesn't matter, listen.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it. I took a hockey slapshot to a golf course because Grandma needed 270 grand, and everybody in slacks laughed until the…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Bet on it, but win it the night before. The Wet Bandits were bigger than me and had a crowbar, and they still ended up flat on…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Oh dear, sit down and let's have a proper look at this. First things first: the children eat and the rent gets paid, that money…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Gosh. Everybody's always like, play it safe, get a real job, whatever.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Ohhh, cupcake, look at you, asking a guy with a diamond pony about money.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Hahaha, oh that's precious, you want permission. Listen up, pumpkin.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Can we talk? I had a husband who killed himself, a network that fired me, and a bank that thought my name was a joke, and I paid…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Oh, mon petit, moi has heard this question before, usually from a frog.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Mmmmm. Well, I want to be careful here, because I have watched somebody I love bet the family's savings on a snowplow, a sugar…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Okay, so, as if I'm going to tell you to play it safe. That is, like, the advice equivalent of a sensible shoe.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Oh, honey. Play it safe? I was Vice President. That is the safest job in America, and it is a coffin with a phone that never…
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Am I wrong? Limited savings is not a reason, Dude, it is a condition.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
It's the same old story. Man has an idea, man has no money, man asks a cop.
Read the fileAsked I have one big idea and limited savings. Play it safe or bet on it?
Limited savings and one idea. So, a startup. Your savings are the production environment, and you do not test in production.
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